Sara G. – Spiritual Seeker & Nursing Student
Before I started working with Nick, my life felt out of my control, it felt as if life was being thrown at me and I was just reacting to events and emotions. I was struggling with a binge eating disorder that I had developed over the course of 10 years and these urges felt more powerful than I was.
I was addicted to overeating and food was my drug. When these urges came up to raid the kitchen or run to a drive-thru, I always obeyed… even though I didn’t want to. I hated myself for having this addiction to food and then filled that void with food, it was a vicious cycle that I didn’t feel strong enough to break. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me and I doubted I could ever break the cycle and develop a healthy relationship with food and my body.
I can honestly say that I felt like a drug addict when these binging urges came up and no matter how much food I ate it never felt like enough to make me feel “good”. It was painful to eat, I would judge myself the entire time and my body was full of guilt, shame, and regret during and afterward. I felt like I couldn’t function in the real world after a binge, my face would swell up and my physical body was in so much pain I couldn’t get out of bed at times. It was affecting my whole system, my physical body was in pain, mentally I was drained and beating myself up over it, emotionally I was depressed and spiritually I felt powerless.
I doubted everything about myself, that I wasn’t smart enough to be in college, that I didn’t have the confidence to have a leadership role at work, and I didn’t have the discipline and power to overcome my eating disorder. All this doubt in myself felt like a ton of bricks on my life that stopped me from doing anything I wanted, or even knowing what I actually wanted from this life.
My biggest fear at the time was that I was unlovable and unwanted because others would prefer someone else with fewer faults. I felt as if there was too much to “fix” about myself to ever be loved. This fear really fueled my binge eating and I used food to comfort myself from that loneliness.
I doubted that I would be able to sustain the changes I made while working with Nick. When I first signed up with Nick, I remember hearing that the program I was signing up for was 6 months long and I didn’t think that was enough time to make the changes I wanted to make. I thought that when the program was over, I would just go back to the way I was living before working with Nick. At that point I felt like I had tried everything and I would rather spend the 6 months practicing healthier habits than not at all, so I took a leap.
Now I have a healthy relationship with food and myself. I still have urges to binge from time to time and sometimes I will still act on them. What I’ve learned from Nick is to not shut those urges out but to open communication with it because it’s just one of the ways my body is trying to communicate with me. As I listened to my body, I quickly learned how badly I needed to love myself to fill that void of self-hatred and loneliness. As I started to love myself through choosing foods that nourished me, a meditation practice, and doing more things that brought me joy, the urges got less loud. I felt strong enough to fight for the health I knew I deserved, one breath at a time. I learned how to listen to myself and love myself. I learned that my overeating was the way I filled myself up, I thought the only way to feel loved was through large amounts of food. I now fill myself up with self-love, and it starts with how I am talking to myself. I now feel joyous when I eat and have learned to acknowledge and be present with what I am eating.
Acknowledging where the food came from and how it got to my plate. Acknowledging that I am helping this food evolve into energy for my body and the food is helping me evolve to heal.
Life for me now happens on purpose instead of life feeling like it was happening to me and just reacting to it. I gained the confidence to ask for a leadership role at work and two months after working with Nick I was promoted. I started to understand how much potential I have in school and got into a registered nursing program. I only applied to one school because I had that much confidence I would get in and also felt unattached to the result.
When I had the very first consultation with Nick before I even signed up, I was explaining to him my struggle with binge eating and he told me that “the way I am binge eating food is the way that I’m binge eating my life.” It rang so true to me! That insight of the way I do one thing is the way that I do all things, made all the difference for me, and took off the pressure to change everything at once. With that I can focus on one area of my life and those changes will reflect in all parts of me. Even smaller than that, if I can focus on this present moment of my life and choose how I want to show up, like with health and happiness, that will affect all areas of my life. Another insight that stuck with me from the beginning was self-talk and everything I think, say, and do is creating my reality and if I want to change my reality then all I have to do is change the way I think.
I even started to feel grateful for my eating disorder and changed the language I used when it came up. I thanked it for helping me become more aware of how I was treating myself and giving myself love (or lack thereof). When urges come up, I talk to it like a friend and ask, “what do you need my love” instead of, “I hate you, why are you here?”.
I started to thank everything in my life for serving me, the good and the bad because they all served a purpose to get me where I am today.
Today, I can honestly say, I am the happiest and healthiest version of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and I know I have only scratched the surface.
Working with Nick never feels forced and he creates the space for me to truly discover myself. He has coached me to tap into my own power and that I have access to it all the time, not just during coaching calls.